On the eve of the Federal election

Dear supporters and other assorted idiots,

This election campaign has been too long and too stupid, thanks to our little lying rodent mate patronising the entire nation with his continued bullshit, however the friendship that I've struck with the looney leftie Bob Brown looks like it'll be rewarding. I had a funny dream about a Labor-Green coalition, and it was far less disturbing than the time I dreamt Tony Abbott was leader of the congaline of suckholes. And mate, how about his interviews? They were pure golden crap. Was nice knowing ya, Tones. Actually, it was nicer punching you in the face, arselicker.

So the tree-huggers are happy with my old-growth forest policies, and the 800,000,000 bucks I'll be chucking their way. Meanwhile, on another planet, the Tasmanian Forestry Unions are shaking hands with the oily little dwarf and pledging their support for the Coalition - which provided yet another what the fuck? moment in this election campaign. John suckhole Howard, who was responsible for industrial relations laws that craps on union power and reinvests the power in employers. John suckhole Howard, who will happily support forestry employers sacking their workers if they go on strike. Well done, Tasmania. With behaviour like that, how about staying out of the gene pool permanently (like we know you like to do anyway)? Knuckleheads.

The Liberals have summarised the Green platform of decriminalising drugs as the legalisation of drugs, yet again. And they want to talk semantics when I get my tax levy thingies confused? The hypocritical scum-sucking suckholes. And the Democrats, what a bunch of losers. Never mind that they successfully put themselves at the top of endangered species list, now the knuckleheads are giving preferences to Family fucking First. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is democratic about Fascists First? Talk about flaky. The sooner the Democrats are on the extinct list, the better.

How about that Family First volunteer saying "Yes, lesbians should burn in hell" - isn't that George Wanker Bush's slogan in the states? How bloody original. And apparently "Satan" likes to frequent bottlos, gambling places, brothels and mosques. If that was true, he must spend most of his time in Canberra, yo, but as for mosques, what a load of bigoted baloney. Is that who the people of Australia want holding the balance of power in the Senate? A bunch of right-wing fundamentalist Christian, homophobic, xenophobic, Muslim-phobic morons? Oh wait, we already have those - they're called Liberals. Bloody hell, if I spent that much time being phobic I wouldn't have time to scratch myself, never mind running the damn country.

There's so much garbage being thrown around - no wonder this place is in a mess. The Libs have got their values shoved so far up their arses they'll never see the light of day. And Howard says public schools "do not have values" and redistributes education funds to schools that send letters to parents reminding them just how good the Coalition has been to them. Everyone's bitching about class warfare because I want to give the money to people who need it, yo, rather than dimwitted upper-class tea-totalling arselickers whose votes are easily bought over an extra glass of chardonnay. Bloody hell.

On a more pleasant note - I'd like to give a shout-out to my new favourite knucklehead who contributed to the ALP election campaign by purchasing a paid livejournal account for yours truly. Your Uncle Latho is much obliged. Cheers, matey. It'll be put to good use, yo. And big thanks to all my official friends and other readers out there - you've clearly got impeccable taste in literature. But don't think I'll be through ear-bashing you sons of bitches when the election is over. I intend to overstay my welcome, both here and in the office of Prime Minister, yo.

So kids, if you care about the future of this country like your Uncle Latho does, vote for me, knuckleheads, and if you don't, I'm sure there's a nerf bat with your name on it around here somewhere.

See you on the other side,
Latho.