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Latho's War On Everything
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Wed, Mar. 14th, 2007 08:08 am

Ahahahahaha... nuff said.

Nicking Ray Martin's hair and dying it blonde is certainly impressing droves Channel Nein viewers, if Big Moderately-sized Kev's alleged popularity is anything to go by... Except, of course, those polls are measuring two-party preferred, and Bob's Green Machine have been gaining serious momentum in the wake of sexy Al's hot environmental flick... and no wonder, given the shit the other parliamentary monkeys have been flinging around and calling environment policies. Will the Greenies steal ALP voters? Or a few Liberals, too? That's the real question that's been dishevelling Moderately-sized Kev's hair, not this dodgy business with Fat Bastard Burke from WA... More hairspray, mate - pack it on! You'd think he'd be more aware of the dangers that humidity poses to one's do, being a dirty rotten Queenslander and all.

So things are looking up for the Ruddsta, while the economic growth that Keating set in motion is finally peetering out, leaving the Liberals looking rather confused... or maybe it was the gross human rights violations in detention centres, or the failing invasion of Iraq, or continually damaging relations with Asia, or leaving David Hicks to rot, or pandering to an embarrassing US government, or imposing antiquated industrial relations policies on a disgruntled populace, or the heinously poor-to-nonexistent environment policies, or... yep. With a bit of luck, the oily dwarf isn't going to be able to slime his way out of this disgusting trash pile before the next election...

But issues, be damned - hair is so hot right now. In 2007, politics is all about the hair... or lack thereof.

Geez, I'm glad I've retired. Politics is so embarassing these days, wat up, yo. And I'd totally have an unfair advantage with my gorgeous flippy-floppy boyband tresses. Fuckin' a.

Uncle Latho xo


Mon, Sep. 25th, 2006 04:30 pm

Oi, toss bags - it's time once again to turn off "the internets" and go read something worthwhile. Haha. Now watch this drive... I mean, now read my new book. It's called A Conga Line of Suckholes and it's coming to a bookshop near you soon, so get your fat arses off those swivel chairs and get buying. Or pre-ordering, yo. You don't want to make it into my little black book of suckholes, do you? Your Uncle Latho knows all about who's been naughty and who's been nice this year. Don't think I haven't been keeping an eye on you... You and your oily little dwarf, too.

And I suppose I should give a shout-out to El Comandante Peter Beattie up north, too. I guess you'd think a shiny orange-faced man would be capable of leading the sunshine state back into the light. Yeah, good luck with that. Last time I checked, orange wasn't the fashion of the future, and trees were reaching for the sun - that smacks of green to me... Obviously Garrett didn't get that memo in time, either. He may be Australia's premier dancer, but sheesh, a genius he aint... Too many Peters in the ALP, and not enough kicking Tony Abbott in the balls. And Keg Beazley could do with a good nerfbattin' himself. What a turdburger.

Well, that's all the oratorical genius I have for you today, kids. Time for an afternoon nap.

Peace out, bitches,
Uncle Latho

Current Mood: tops
Current Music: Frenzal Rhomb: I miss my pancreas


Thu, Jun. 1st, 2006 09:00 am

Court? What? I don't got no time for no court appearances, in-between fighting camera crews outside my Glen Alpine abode, writing a new sex0r book, and sending abusive emails to Tony "Punching Bag" Abbott.

Good old Tones, eh? Still trying to scrap the abortion pill. Hey Tone, here's a newsflash: support for RU486 from the smart kids of the nation - like yours truly - has actually got nothing to do with compassion, good morals, or basic human rights, my weaselly little matey (although those are also all fine, upstanding reasons to support it). The truth of the matter is that we just don't want people like you breeding. And we've seen that you don't know how many bastards you've got out there, and even get confused over which ones are yours... Your moral high ground is awfully shaky, Tones. If only arselickers like you would stay out the the genepool. Sheesh. We've got enough idiots running around who don't have a fucking clue who or what they're voting for as it is... hence why people vote for hypocritical weasels such as yourself, Tones, and other assorted Liberal Party suckholes. Bastards.

So, our favourite punching bag of an MP is currently going by the name of "snivelling grub", thanks to some good work from my former deputy, Ms Gillard. Nice one, Jules. Wonder where you learnt that? Certainly not from daft old brain-leakin' Beaz. Old Uncle Latho is quite chuffed to see that all his great work in trying to bring colourful metaphors back to politics was not completely in vain. A bit more profanity from the old boys would be nice, too, to preserve the Latho Legacy (and that of my more colourful predecessors), but still no sign of that bloody Rudd knucklehead doing or saying anything remotely interesting. What's wrong with fucking some Liberal Party shit up? In my day, it was considered most grouse... Why, I oughta...

But less about that trainwreck of an ALP and more about me... "Witty, and sort of political." That's what they're saying about me and my new book, and aint it the truth, yo? So, what'll you be getting your mother for Christmas? Yo mama has my book on top of her things to read list, and if she doesn't, you just let her know where Uncle Latho belongs, okay kids? (That's on top, ma bitches). Wurd.

Cheers mate,


Mon, May. 1st, 2006 06:20 pm

Bloody hell, May already? You totally lose track of time when you're bludging off the government. Like, totally. Wurd.

What's your beloved Marky been up to, you might ask? For a start, I've been reading to my kids, since the bloody education system ain't going to help them. Since the ALP has dismantled my glorious education plan I've all but given up hope. Bloody Beazley - what a chubby clown. Don't get me started. He couldn't punch his way out of a wet paper bag. What Labor needs is a leader who isn't afraid to punch his way out of a papparazi scrum or an encounter with the religious right abortion-pill-banning bottomfeeders... A damn shame my pancreas doesn't agree.

My hott wife Janine has become a hottshot lawyer, which is hott. As well as being a supportive hott spouse and model stay-at-home dad, I've been signing Andrew Wanker Denton up for midget porn spam (that may or may not feature a certain greasy PM we all know and despise). I've also been working on my hott bod, yo, and I am one damn fine piece of arse, let me tell you. Forget the front page, I am Australia's next Page Three Girl, except I'm a real hott manly man ahunka burnin' love.

But I suppose what you really want to hear about is Uncle Latho's adventures with the paparazzi stalkers and the offspring down at Hungry Jerks. (I guess if you eat shit, you have to deal with shit - a karmic lesson there, perhaps? Wurd.) Let me tell you, kids: News Limited has some real classy employees. What a top organisation - sending their vultures after nice old dads out for a bit of a snack with the kids - we should all be so ethical... Wait, was that a bullshit cough? A little louder, Australia - cawn, you can do it. I want to hear the bullshit cough loud and proud from the press gallery of parliament house every fucking Question Time and every fucking time these media arseclowns start spewing forth bullshit in the newspapers and on the TV screens, y'hear? You bludgers have been slacking off in my absence, and don't think I haven't noticed - Uncle Latho sees you when you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake, so get your shizzle off the nizzle and get wizzlin'. Get up, or some shit. Don't make me come over there, mate.

Those bloody media suckholes won't give up on trying to suck the life outta good old blokes like your Uncle Latho. It's all fun and games until someone loses a camera... Yeah, ain't it, Ross Schultz? Ya bastard... And with no parliamentary buttmunches like Tony Abbott to take a swing at, what do they expect? I gotta practice my l33t boxing skills and flex my hott bod sometime, yo.

My court date has been delayed while I work on a new strategy. My original plan of action was to punch my way through the media circus into Campbelltown Local Court, but the lawyer bloke wasn't hip to the Latho jive. So May 24th is when I'll be courteously replying to charges of "common assault, malicious damage and stealing from a person." ... My tight, toned arse, I will. Those bitches are going down.

I gotta bugger off - I've scheduled some Neighbours watching time with the kids (that Harold Bishop, what a champ - a true Australian hero right there). Hope you knuckleheads aren't too lonely without me. Stay in touch, y'hear? Down with war, up with hott bods, wurd to your mother.

Over and out,
Latho. xo

Current Location: Classified
Current Mood: rejuvenated rejuvenated
Current Music: Butterfingers - Yo Mama


Thu, Sep. 29th, 2005 04:34 pm

Are you reading my book, kids? You'd better be, 'cause I'll be testing you on it later. The first printing sold like hotcakes, but it'll be back on the shelves in early October so even more Australians can get themselves a better education (see? I'm still helping youse guys). It's a searing vision of the wounds this century has inflicted on traditional masculinity... oh, wait. That was Bridget Jones or some shit, wasn't it? Same diff. It's all sexy and highly relevant.

People said I came across as bitter and twisted on Denton and Lateline and all those other leftie programmes. And maybe I'm even depressed... Yeah? C'mon then, mofos - got any other labels you want to stick on Uncle Latho and his nerf bat? Eh, eh? ... Yeah, didn't think so. What did they expect from my book? A happy little fairytale of Australian politics, featuring yours truly as the spunky head elf and Johnny Howard as the balding dwarf who's just a naughty lil scamp who ain't as bad as all that? And Keg Beazley as the frog who might one day turn into a handsome prince of a PM? ... Ahahahaha. Mine is an evil laugh.

Seriously, though - what the fuck drugs are these idiots on? Some people have no freakin' sense of humour, or decency come to that. And your Uncle Latho is a funny bastard and a fuckin' decent man, yo. I even stay home and read to my little squalling brats while the wifey goes off to work. I'm a lovely honest fella, and if you don't believe me, maybe you oughta have a chat with my nerf bat. It'll knock some sense into ya.

But mate, this book writing and touring bizo has really worn your Uncle Latho and his pancreas out. After the next lot of interviews are over and I've had time to scratch meself, I'll be back with some more fresh and fun-loving banter for you little bludgers. Stay tuned.

Lotsa love,
Uncie Latho xxx


Mon, Aug. 29th, 2005 08:53 am

Mechanical Artificial Replicant Keen on Logical Assassination, Thorough Harm and Accurate Mathematics

Instead of quitting, I should've just sent in the Lathobot... Or a congaline of Lathobots even. Fuckin' a. (Y'know, it might still be worth throwing a few bots together and sending them after that bitcharse Brogden).

That's not to say my health isn't improving - I'm getting fitter and sexier every damn day, and here's a piccie to prove it:

Sex0r Uncle Latho

That oughta keep ya warm at night. I'm at the forefront of Generation XL, yo. Westie adultescent retrosexuals in the upper house, y'all.

Sweet dreams,
Uncle Latho.


Thu, Aug. 4th, 2005 08:42 am

Our favourite little Methodist... I wonder what his god thinks of him? And mate, since I am the most god-like bludger around these parts, lemme tell you what I reckon: he's an oily little dwarf, and when I say oily, I'm talking black gold, yo - Texas Tea... or Iraqi Tea that was stolen by a Texan teetotaling tosspot at any rate.

Hope you kids are still holding it together for your Uncle Latho. There's dark days ahead in the Senate, and the ALP isn't without its fair share of suckholes at present, either. But don't you worry your pretty little heads about it too much - Uncle Latho is keeping an eye on things. The most sacred and holy of nerf bats are at the ready... It worked on Bob "Mussolini" Carr, yo. Now, if only Keg Beazley wasn't so well-padded.

Cheers mates,


Thu, May. 26th, 2005 08:08 pm

Don't get too excited, kids. Your Uncle Latho isn't back on the bench in Canberra just yet. Hold your horses.

I've still got a dodgy pancreas, but I'm still not at all chuffed with the state of politics in this fair country of ours. And I'm going to keep complaining until that tosspot greasy troll McHoward is booted from the top job, and until I get to punch Tony Abbott... again. Punching Tony Abbott is like eating Lays Potato Chips - you can't stop at just one.

You thought I was out for the count? Then you haven't been paying attention, you redneck goit. I'm back, and I'm feeling kinda hip-hop, yo. Tell ya friends, tell ya co-workers, and wurd to your mutha: Latho's back in town.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Easter, fuckers. It aint over 'til the fat lady sings, and I for one haven't heard Amanda Vanstone belt out a decent tune recently, because she's been far too busy deporting frail old ladies. And whatta suckhole bitcharse mutha she is, yo - Amanda, that is, not the old ladies... I'm sure the old bat from the Philippines would vote Labor if she could remember who we are, yo.

Talk at you soon,
Uncle Latho

P.S. Why those dumbarse publishing houses are offering to pay 100-grand for the right to publish my political diaries when you can get them all here, I'll never know.


Fri, Jan. 7th, 2005 12:21 pm

Dear fellow left-wing nuts and other assorted idiots,

Thank you for supporting Latho's Journal during 2004. Be assured it will continue on during 2005, but it is currently in hiatus for a brief period...

At present the Latho's Journal writing staff are wandering aimlessly around the jungles of south-east Asia (still dazed and confused by the election results). Be assured Latho's Journal staff are all well, having flown north out of Phuket a day before the tsunami hit. Speaking of which -

Make your Uncle Latho proud: please consider donating to one (or more) of the organisations listed here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200412/s1273434.htm

The Latho's Journal Staff & other assorted jungle monkeys.


Sun, Oct. 24th, 2004 10:51 pm

Heya kids,

Chin up, hey. Less than three years to go now, and yer Uncle Latho is still bringin' the love, yo. Your mighty Latho won the ALP leadership again - big fuckin' surprise there since I was unopposed. Between the chick support and the nerfing threats I've got this party firmly under my royal left thumb. And I don't mind if the chicks see me as an object. It's sweet as being the hot stud of Australian politics, if you ask me.

Wurd. Stop bludging around on ya fat arses and help keep the Latho Love alive by whacking this in your journals and blogs, you damned lazy knuckleheads. Don't make me come over there. Get the code: hereCollapse )

Speaking of love... Mate, have you seen the new line-up I've got happening? Mate, that's something I don't mind copping an eyeful of every day, and let me tell you - that congaline of suckholes aint gonna be able to concentrate on a damn thing with all my bitches on the front bench, yo. It's all about sexy covert tactics, mate, and the Beaz, well - his breasts just aren't what they used to be. Couldn't manage to give meanie Creanie the boot yet, but I got three years to work on it. He's got all the charisma of a haggis and christ, he could bore the pants off a Barcelonan transsexual, (not that he's ever met any because that would make him infinitely more interesting than he actually is). But never fear - Latho and Big Kev have got it all under control. The only thing left to sort out is getting some control over Garrett's dance moves. Dunno about Gillard taking over the treasury though. Chicks and maths, geez... I hope she can count better than she can read a map, yo.